The Dradel
This dradel of mine,
All silver and shiny,
In the middle,
A box that seems hollow, except for a soft-sounding ball that rolls around slowly.
But it’s not.
In the box is whatever you chose,
For me, it’s my great-grandfather.
The one that weeks before WWII broke out,
Came to Canada as a farmer,
Yet he had never farmed.
He was a jeweler,
Creating masterpieces by day,
And a family by night.
He was the only one of his family that came to Canada,
The rest would never again have the chance.
He made this dradel,
And this year, my great-grandmother gives me this dradel.
This dradel for my Bar Mitzvah.
The dradel with this silver box,
The silver box of the Great-Grandfather I never knew,
Only through this dradel.
Daniel Baum
5 comments:
WOW baum these are great! :-)
Good job your poems really get at what your trying to say I really love the mud poem
-Luke Stein
I think it very good, but it sounds in a tone as if its going to rhyme and it doesn't it a bit wierd.
Hi,
Thanks for commenting. Thanks, Page and Luke. Gordan, some of it rhymes; a lot of it actually. If you are preposing for me to change it, thanks, but no thanks.
Daniel Baum
great poem dan so you could in the first paragraph it say A box that seems hollow, except for a soft-... you could just make it a new sentance after hollow because the next part you say sounds like you are going to kind of say somthing that goes from happy to sad. so thaen if you are going to critasize you should put it on a different line because then it will flow better and it won't sound like you are putng to much on one line because it makes it kind of sound like fact.
in the 3rd paragraph ypu say creating masterpieces by day... you could say creating masterpieces because with the by day thing it losses it flow because it just sounds like somthing extra you put in there.
um over all it is a great peom and you should ceep it up.
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